Making the common extraordinary

MM: First of all Wilbur, Welcome to Dappan Koothu. We’ve been fans of your work ever since the days of the ‘blog song‘. Could you tell us what went behind conceptualizing the song and the highly addictive dance steps that go with it?

WS: Thank you Munna, You cannot separate dancing and music. They both walk hand in hand. Usually when you make an addictive dance move its more because you are feeling the beat of the music and the music is dictating your body movements. Its very simple. Just play the song and allow the song to make you move! Of course there are some choreographed moves but one thing I learnt from the amazing dancers and musicians in Cuba is to allow the music to dictate your movements.

MM: Cuba is it? Well, the song is so popular that last time a few blogger friends met up in Chennai, they sung it on the beach before dispersing. How does it feel to have created a blogger anthem that’s a raging success?

WS: It is very humbling and I am always excited to see people enjoying the music that I create. It was not meant to be just in my head or in my room….people need to hear it and it is for their enjoyment!

MM: There’s not much info about you other than the fact that you’re from Madurai and now in Canada. Could you tell us something bout your growing years, education and family?

WS: I am from Madurai and I live in both India and Canada as I have relatives in both places. My entire family is scattered across India and the Middle East. I spent my younger years in Darjeeling, Calcutta and Benares. Till my family moved down to Tamil Nadu where I went to school in Ootacamund and then finally in Madurai.

MM: Now that’s a lot of places. When did this association with music happen, and the subsequent move to Canada? Don’t tell us that you just found the drum-sticks lying around, start drumming and become an overnight sensation!

WS: I have always loves music even as a boy in Jeevana school in Madurai I would get all the boys to join me and beat the
desk
in Dappankoothubeat the desk in Dappankoothu (local tamil nadu style beats) style! No I did not find drumsticks lying around….I made drumsticks from trees and would play on whatever I could. I did practice and I have been able to take some tuition from some great drummers. This led me to receive an endorsement from a company called Vater who have made a signature stick (you can purchase this on my website) and with Pearl drums (Japanese company) and Evans drumheads. I am thankful for this opportunity and yes it comes with passion and very hard work.

MM: Oh we obviously know Dappan Koothu, afterall our blog is named after it! Sargunaraj Super call Solutions, isn’t quite really a call center, do you have a day job? How did that start and are you still associated with it or have you become a full-time musician?

WS: I would like to clear the misconception about Sargunaraj Supercall solutions. It is not a call center…It is a center that I started to receive questions from people. I take them and answer them on video or by podcast. I don’t “work” for center anymore although it functions in the background as people still ask me questions. I still enjoy doing this form time to time but yes music has become a full time venture.

MM: A lot of bloggers are calling you India’s answer to Ali G or rather Ali G is the Wilbur of the west. How does it feel for such a comparison that pole-vaults you to cult status?

WS: Sorry who is Ali G??? I am confident to be Wilbur Sargnaraj and if people like to compare me others no problem but I am so happy to be myself.

MM: A lot of your non-musical travel videos are like learnings shot on your trips. Is it something like the cultural learnings of a tamizhan that you wish to document?

WS: Cultural learnings of Wilbur Sargunaraj… yes….I love to expose people all around the world to different cultures and the richness of that particular people group. We may be different but we have more in common than we realize. I like to speak on behalf of all common people not just tamil people.

MM: You made an instructional video on preparing chicken-65, and there’s also a post on it. What are your other culinary exploits and do we get to see more bachelors cooking guides?

WS: I love making dhal….its healthy and so good for the body. I have debated on writing a cook book called “South Indian Delicacies”. Will have to wait and see!!!

MM: Love Marriage was at first a studio performance that went viral after the music video was shot recently. Did you ever imagine that it would be so big and get mentioned on WSJ, collegehumor, CNN, tonnes of blogs and even a tweet by Roger Ebert?

WS: No I had no idea it would be very gigantic….as I said before I love making music for the enjoyment of people and now people are enjoying it and I am so happy!

MM: So are you still looking for a bride, or did you pick one up on your recent India trip? We’d also love to hear about your efforts in Rajapalayam with Ponnagam.

WS: No time for bride at the moment. Still trying hard to make a living with the music. Maybe if I come to a place where I can provide with my music I will think about settling down! Yes my relatives run this centre in Tamil Nadu. It was voted by the people as the best destitute home in Virudunagar district. I have a very soft heart for humanitarian issues and dont like to see children hungry! I want to see them doing things children should be doing! It my goal to use my music to help these children.

MM: The views on your videos are steadily growing and internet fanclubs have been sprouting all over. You have over 1000 fans on facebook and close to 300 followers on twitter. There is even a website collecting funds to get you perform in LA. What do you have to say for this growing popularity?

WS: One day you can be up and the next day you can be down. It is important not to be overwhelmed with the physical aspects of success but to really connect with people! That’s what I want to do! One day people may like my music the next day they may hate it! Don’t mistaken me I am very thankful for these opportunities and the growing increase of fans and possibilities but in the end what is most important are the people around you. Your family and friends! For me popularity is a platform I want to use to make a difference! To see people dance, smile, laugh and enjoy themselves! But yes I am thankful to all my dearest fans and followers who have made me who I am today by the help of God! I am super excited at the possibilities and opportunities that lie ahead!

MM: Moving to tamil cinema, who’s your pick of actors form the current lot? Have you considered doing a few tunes for movies?

WS: If the opportunity presented itself to write for movies I would consider it but I’m not sure if people may enjoy my style in Tamil Cinema! The actors who I think in my opinion do a great job of ACTING were always Asin and Ajith. I really don’t watch too many movies to be honest! I like watching real life documentaries.

MM: You are a big cricket fan, your songs and recent CSK rap stands testimonial to that. We should start a campaign to make you the online mascot along with Sivamani who is in the stands. Your thoughts on that and sivamani himself?

WS: Sivamani is a wonderful drummer. When you look at drummers who come from India and specifically Tamil Nadu, we have an edge with carnatic music! The rhythms are so complex and we have much to offer with these complexities. You have to be careful though not to lose the person with complex beats. I love drumming but my music goes beyond just drumming! I don’t like making complex rhythms that everyday people cannot grasp. They need to be able to dance and enjoy the beat! If you would like to have me as the mascot that would be great! Sure! Maybe I can perform at a CSK game in the future! Maybe you can wave banners for me at these games in Chennai!

MM: Where do you get the best jigarthanda in Canada or do you make it yourself?

WS: Only in Madurai my friends! Come and taste it!

PS: After this interview, Wilbur was contacted by the CSK PR team to put his rap video on the official site.

Additional Information:
If you would like to have him come and perform a concert please visit his website
To contact him via email for your thoughts and questions: wilbursargunaraj@gmail.com
He is on facebook and you can follow him on twitter.com as well

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We at DappanKoothu are with the voice that is against the bill, and we have reasons more than one. More women MPs means us poor men have to depend on cookspoor men have to depend on cooks or enter the kitchen ourselves(gasp!) because the lunch dabbas don’t miraculously find their way to office. With more women in the house, it becomes tough to hurl mics and moth expletives without being pulled aside for lack of decency. We can’t expect our colorful politicians to sit like 5th std kids with their finger-on-the-lips pose can we? Look what happened tot eh British Parliament, so quiet and boring, no majaa only, cha! It also means that the seats promised to rowdy-elements can no longer be fulfilled, and hence a huge drop in party funds and hooligans to do their handiwork. More women contestants translates to more women voters and they will have to be wooed with sarees and not cheap liquor. That means a sharp drop in liquor sales during election season and the govt exchequer stands to lose a considerable sum in excise duty. The biggest peeve will always be that this could mean more panelists like Renuka Chowdary, Jayanthi Natarajan etc on news channels, spurring prime time discussion while we wait for supper to turn cold!

Reservations however shouldn’t be only in the parliament and electoral process, afterall those aren’t the only places that lack female representation. Engineering colleges, especially mechanical and other less hep departments where anything even remotely feminine is the equivalent ofanything even remotely feminine is the equivalent of Rekha in Umrao Jaan. Spare a thought for those poor kids who after four years of workshop lab and machine drawing develop a crush on the smiling woman on the billboard adjacent to their hostel. Queues at the milk booth, railway booking counters and bus pass renewal, ought to have a 33% representation for women and it should be them but not their fathers and brothers standing in line. How else do you expect us to give them our passes for renewal, tickets for purchase and milk card to skip long lines! Ever wondered why grad kids studying abroad make a beeline to the gym? Well the answer is the rising number of women on the treadmill, where boys always give up a treadmill to a pony-tailed lass ready to jog with a gatorade in hand. We strongly advocate for a reservation quota in the gyms back home, that will increase the number of men working out and thus ensure a fitter and fresher country! There ought to be reservation for more single women in pubs, on days other than girls night out. That will ensure that the poor stags will not feel left out and try to hound others in desperation. Then comes barber shops, have you seen those places that are so hot with hair flying all over the place and only 2-3 newspapers that everyone fights for? Quota for women will ensure better hospitable conditions and will stop men from lifting their armpits for a trim!

someone once said, ‘Educate a man and u educate an individual, educate a woman and you educate a family‘….

PS: Yes, I know it’s not the regular funny stuff so how about you say something else?

(Image Courtesy: theviewspaper)

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Ms.Chopra was quite a popular person in school and had her share of admirers, her biggest deewana of those by miles was however our man Deol. After week of staring, and peeping from behind the stairwell, our man finally mustered the courage to let out his feelings one day. Now in times like these it is the friends you have, that cause more damage than being of any assistance. Who ever guessed that behind those owl-like-stares, there was a childish innocence that jumped with joy every time he got a discerning glare in return!  Not quite sure who’s idea it was but he accosted her one day in the school ground and blurted ‘Hey, 143 I to you,
think and tell
2 daysHey, 143 I to you, think and tell 2 days‘. I kid you not for these were the very words he used, I’ve never been able to get over it and it haunted many of us for weeks. Now our school had these humongous trees, wide enough for 4-5 kids to hold hands and form a circle. Those trees were one of the reasons I opted to join the school in the first place, and kids often had lunch under one of these many trees. Finding Chopra alone, Sunny boy jumped from behind a tree to make his point, which according to him was the pinnacle of bravery. Our babe Priyanka however wasn’t amused and ran to class in a huff, leaving Sunny boy with his outstretched arms waiting. Her friends, the more wiser ones advised her to ignore the incident and avoid the guy for a while, hoping he’d get the message. When you have a stud like Sunny, you can safely assume that his friends to be in the same league, devoid any cranial connections. They advised him to do something heroic that may impress his lady love, clearly an overdose of 90’s regional cinema but then hum kya karen? One morning as Chopra was making her way to class, she was accosted by Deol near the 2nd floor balcony.  While I don’t quite recall the exact conversation, I do remember it ending with her asking him to get a life.

It was quite early in the morning and only the senior students were in school for special classses, to make up for the days lost due to various jayanthis, vardhantis and bandhs. Not quite sure of what riled him up, but in his bid to impress Chopra, Deol’s heroic thing was to jump from the balconyjump from the balcony. Now I don’t quite know if it was planned or his luck but there was a parapet just a few feet below the balcony where he landed. Given his track record and the collective IQ of his gang, I’d vote for the latter and say he was lucky. The sight of a refrigerator size guy jump out of a balcony was enough to zonk our sleepy heads on a foggy morning. Now however came the camel under the hillock, from the parapet he couldn’t climb back to the balcony for it was a good 6ft, and the ground was easily 10ft below. Adding to his woes was the fact that the jump had ripped his trousers from behind, they either were unable to take the force of landing or probably the angle wasn’t right. The end result however was a hefty deewana stranded on a parapet with his brick-red chaddis greeting the world from his behind. His friends later managed to fish him out, as he darted home for a change of clothes with a  sweater tied to his behind. While occasionally teased bout the incident, his eyes would go brick red along with his cheeks but he generally went unnoticed. Chopra however had to face the trauma of being teased for a long while and linked to a guy who had a penchant for red chaddis and jumped the balcony for her.

PS: Neither of them read this blog, and I have no idea of what they are upto now. Those of you who’ve seen me, know that I look nothing like a refrigerator.

(Image Courtesy: BBC)

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The twittervesre was abuzz with a lot of action and most twitter clients were getting maxed out with the deluge of tweets. A group of popular mallus spared no time in claiming that Sachin’s roots were in Ernakulamclaiming that Sachin’s roots were in Ernakulam and he learnt to wield the willow in Alappuzha and not Shivaji Park. ‘What man even small small kids are knowing that he is in fact Sachin Thekkepaattu Nair whom these marathas have stolen from us’. Another popular twitter personality Hashtag Doraisamy was quick to get the topic trending as he tweeted ‘Kallis #facepalm #OMFG #sachinmallu or #sachinisgod #youprefer #kvlt #pwnage #desertstorm #youremember #tendulkar200 lets trend this guys‘, before he ran out of his 140 character limit. We tried to get twitterer-turned-politician and now minister for cattle tweets Shashi Tharoors’ views, but only managed to get a reply to our tweet to him on the matter. He tweeted, ‘Attndd budget session, weird sounding trains to weirder sounding stations, Ltr managed to catch the game and a grt knock by Sachin, now dinner‘, as articulate as ever. We are thankful to the thousands of twitter users who updated their tweets with the news of Sachin’s feat and the fact that it was the first time a double century was scored. Without their immense contribution, the world would have never known of such an achievement! We also wish to thank the thousands for their extremely unwitty tweets on the match that made even cricinfo’s commentary seem like P.G.Wodehouse on a bad day. Imagine our plight had we not been inundated by score updates in our timeline, we’d have remained as ignorant as ever.

Superstar @iamsrk rehashed one of his tweets as ‘awesome knock by sachin. will surely remember for years. now to bed and to the land of the dark and peace. goodnite my great frnd.lov and hugs‘, while his close aide @kjohar25 promised to get Sachin on twitterpromised to get Sachin on twitter as well as he proudly showed off his NDTV social-media person of the year award. Our favorite trio of Modi-Bhagat-Sena were quick to jump the gun and grab a piece with their inane and unintentionally funny comments. ‘Sachin is in the form of his life which means that the IPL will be a great success. Despite threats from players of pulling out, this knock will inspire them to come and play. I was able to message my self from one blackberry to another which means that the event will go on without any external interference‘, smirked IPL boss Lalit Modi smiling like a cheshire cat. ‘Sachin is now loved by the people of both maharashtra and madhya pradesh, which is truly inspired from my book that is available in stands for Rs.95.  I had predicted his double ton long ago and I demand the news channels to give me credit‘, groaned a visibly upset Chetan Bhagat who also wishes to set the record straight on his stupidity. Apparently users RTing his tweet are being banned but the cycle doesn’t seem to stop, with more and more users RTing his tweet. Last but not the least, the Sena chose to quell all claims by retaliating to to its detractors. ‘Sachin mahaashtra cha gaurav aahe, we shall not tolerate any poaching of our players by others. Only we have the right to own and disown him at will. Since he scored these runs at Gwalior, we shall annex it to maharashtra and grant all Gwalior residents free entry into mumbai and they shall be allowed to apply for jobs in BMC‘, roared the Thackeray scion. There were a lot more wannabes trying to grab the headlines, but we end this bulletin here for we cant cater to all the gasbags.

PS: If you really want to believe the above and come after me, then ping me for my address after you retrieve your brains from the toilet.

(Image Courtesy: Cricinfo)

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What about the men who’s postal address is the heart of the women they chase? It’s not our fault if our garments turn out to be sexy and everyone wants a piece of us. What’s wrong with cavorting in fields of wheat, or men who like to verbally abuse women so that their cheeks turn white! Not many men have the audacity to tell a girl to go to hell when asked to make lovewhen asked to make love,  but we do find it easy to tell them to move their beds closer at night. If our touch sends shock waves and something something happens, who do you blame? Trading two states in exchange for a kiss may not quite be worthwhile, but you ought to atleast respect the emotion! Imagine the plight of women whose cheeks are life threatening, or those who leave the door open in their sleep! Isn’t our purpose on this earth to love and die, because women posses magic in their waists and stern looks! What  does one do when the buttons of a kurta go missing, well the answer is to place an ad in the papers for there is no better way to get the message across. Someone once told me how to go about if the girl was all gori gori with a rich daddy, I believe the answer is to shed all inhibitions and seek alms to pester her. When a girl asks you to taste her for she is all cream and butter, you have nothing more to say but plead her to repeat it once again. When there are fabulous women who shoot bullets with their eyes, guys have no chance to give in and love just happens! When pieces of your upper garment are not where they were supposed to be, it is best to ask your father for further clarification. When a woman gives you fever, tastes like wine or is simply fabulous, all you can do is wish to sleep in her arms.

With situations like these how dare we look elsewhere for inspiration? I move the motion to amend the laws of the #GRCA and make bollywood masala a mandatory ingredient! If you still have any doubts, then just sing in the rain and that shall pwn everything else. This is however syllabus for a different post, so abhi ke liye lite le lo.

PS: The songs are a compilation from a contest between gradwolf, buddy, sthitapragnya and myself, and hence credit is duly given.

PPS: Sorry for the heavy linkage, kya kare control nahin hota!

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Well Ishqiya is that type of a film where are compelled to sit and analyze each frame as the characters have multiple layers like onions. You have the widow who seems meek and good at heart as she offers to help the duo, only to unravel the mystery of her true agenda in the later reels. She isn’t ashamed to use her charms on two unsuspecting fools for her gains, nor does she twitch when she is ready to go up in flames with her lover and a cylinder. Naseerudin Shah and Arshad warsi play a very jai-veeruish combo of mama-bhanjaa and come across are two very convincing thugs. It might seem a walk in the park for a thespian like Naseerudin Shah to play Khalujaan who is nefarious but longs for affection and is found delving into the past looking at a battered picture of an anonymous woman. Arshad Warsi is a revelation as a conniving horndog and his kohl-lined eyes add to his menacing character. Never has he looked this good apart from his circuit gig, but is eaten alive by the tamancha wielding widow who kicks ass! It’s a toss up between ‘mujhe is haraam zadi se ishq ho gaya hain‘ and ‘tumhara ishq ishq, aur humara ishq sex‘ for the best dialog of the movie, but there are plenty others that make you take notice. Despite being Abhishek Chaubey’s movie, every now and then the frames scream the name Vishal Bhardwaj and its not only the music, but also subtle nuances where references are made to hits like ‘Dhanno ki aankhon mein‘ and ‘Dil mein baji guitar‘. The movie however goes like a volcano in reverse, starts with an eruption and ends in fumes. We give it 6 out of 10 on our DappanKoothu scale.

(Images courtesy: sulekha.com)

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PP: Arrey wah beta, you know about our Dadiji. I’m so happy and comfortable now. All these blog sholg log I don’t like they always talk hi-fi techie things. But I like you, did they get you  my special khakra while waiting?

MM: Err No, but I hear the lawns of the Rashtrapathi Bhavan have been transformed into large pickle drying facilities during the summer. Also that the gardeners now spend most of their time, cutting mangoes for achaar and bottling them. Care to elucidate?

PP: Haan re baba, these dilli ke stores no. The achaar you get is so bland, and so I have taught my staff to use the mangoes from our yard and bottle fresh batches each year.

MM: You were recently in the news for flying a sukhoi and setting a trend for womens empowerment, what prompted you to do something so contrasting form your daily mundane life.

PP: Oh that, one night Baba came in my dreams and told me about a message he left for me in the skies. I consulted Dadiji who asked me to take a plane and receive this knowledge, the air farce people were kind to get me a uniform and take me into the clouds.

MM: Ah well you see that totally places things in perspective, and we thought otherwise. We did some research and it says that during the emergency, you were in support of forcibly sterilizing people with hereditary diseases.

PP: Oh kamaan, you want to share the streets with people who have anuvaunshik ajars? And aajkal toh yeh gay shay ka chakkar hain. I’m sure we can cure those people with meditation and satvik food. But surely we don’t want them bringing more  imperfect people into the world do we?

MM: Well your thought process pwns even #arnabforpm, but it is very interesting to hear the views of the supreme commander of our army. However what do you have to say about the scams that are attached to you like the co-operative bank, and the sugar factory?

PP: You see the Pratibha Mahila Shahkari Bank was meant to empower women and give them loans. That way they can have the power to pay their
husbands’
wine shop duespay their husbands’ wine shop dues and escape domestic violence. That only increased the deficit as none of their husbands went to work, for their dues were duly paid on time. Apparently empowerment means that the women start their own business, but come on! har dayya, a womans role is to make khakras in the kitchen only and not set up industries. The RBI however failed to see our logic and we were shut down for irregularities. The sugar factory was also a similar tale, we were running a legitimate business only. The Sant Muktabai Sahakari Sakhar Karkhana, was doing pretty well until someone suggested that we try a new form of powdered jaggery.  The govt didn’t approve of our brown sugar venture and reported us for illegal drug trafficking. By then we had already lifted a lot of raw material form the market and ran into losses of approximately Rs.17.5 Cr.

MM: Oh my poor lady, clearly you were framed and had nothing to do with it. I’m sure the episodes where you shielded your brother in a murder case, or diverted funds form your MP fund to your husbands company, and even your son’s recent election sham we all circumstantial.

PP: Haan ji haan, you are so sweet beta. Only you seem to agree with me, while everyone else thinks I’m eccentricwhile everyone else thinks I’m eccentric.  My brother was just driving down a slope without lights and ignition switched off to save petrol, and out of nowhere a Congress leader rolled under his wheel. Abhi bolo isme kya galat kiya? My husbands organization falls under my constituency and I was only spending the funds for the welfare of my constituents. Again  the authorities raked up an issue with the 36lakhs as misappropriated funds and all that. Lastly, bechaara my beta, my pappu who came to me wishing to fight the elections. Abhi kausa rule hain jee that bars a presidents son from serving the people. It is samaaj seva after all and even he has to make a living serve the masses. I just did what any mother would do, even Gandhari did all she could to ensure the best for her son in war. After all main bhi to ek maa hoon na, you must taste this naankhatai by the way. I had it specially flown in form Bhuj along with 45 of my relatives.

MM: Well auntyji, that pretty much was all I know you are getting late for your tambola kitty party in Mt.Abu. It was pleasure to have you on Dappan Koothu, and I’m sure our readers will love this.

PS: The image is part of KrishAshok’s desified rage meme collection.

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We tried contacting the baby elephant of Andhra politics, Chiranjeevi-gaaru who while not ducking loosely tethered electric cables, makes rare appearances in the legislative assembly. On being asked if he would aim for a united Andhra as a challenge he said, ‘The TRS issue is a very serious one and we ought to make a movie out of it to educate the masses. My son, my brother and myself will act in it and my brother-in-law shall produce it. That way the funds from the state exchequer will stay within
the familyfunds from the state exchequer will stay within the family only‘. He failed to approve of pink as a color for the state assembly building and preferred red as we already, know else somebody gonna get a goli maar!. He pressed that there were other issues that needed immediate attention, ‘So many farmer-suicides as a result of drinking pesticides, we need to help them by providing free tractors, seeds and building canals‘. Who better than Chiru to explain the apathy of farmers who have to dodge other tractors that trespass upon their fields. .Our brief meeting was cut short as he had to leave for a rally and mouth a few dialogs from his popular movies, apparently that’s the closest he can get to questioning the government. Our sources tell us that he can’t speak without a script and hence has to resort to dialogs from his politically themed movies. As kids we were told that failure to finish the rat race of competitive exams would result in us being barred from every profession in the world except cinema. With movie stars running for office, it doesn’t quite paint a rosy picture of the future, but then we are again drifting out of syllabus.

We next spoke to someone who studied politics in college, who graciously took time of his busy schedule that included playing mafia wars in a dual monitor setupplaying mafia wars in a dual monitor setup. The former CEO of Andhra Naidu-gaaru had to say this on the issue, ‘What two states three states you people are talking, we need to have an Andhra 2.0 that will take us through the new decade. Let me show you the powerpoint presentation I showed Bill Clinton and Bill Gates, that even my cook has seen a hundred times‘. We asked him what he felt about Chiru-gaarus tractor and canal logic to which he replied, ‘In the last election they accused me of distancing myself from the farmers, and hence I have raked up enough points on farmville to counterattack accusations on my lack of agricultural knowledge. Please wait as I harvest my strawberries, and plant rice that will be ready in 12hrs‘. Not wanting to sit through a seminar of anti-incumbency, polarized mandate and other political mumbo-jumbo, we chose to leave gather more info for this report. The erstwhile governor of the state is now an icon and modern day marvel of the human libido. At a time when men half his age have problems keeping their side up, Tiwari-gaaru was screwing not one but three of them! ‘I have participated in the freedom struggle and am therefore absolved. Plus these are doctored tapes, they do not show the fourth girl in it! It is a conspiracy because I refused to wear pink chaddis and paint the raj bhavan pink. I was after all only checking if the women wore pink chaddis or not‘. The above revelation sure gives us an indicator of how many English women were boned during the struggle but we were shocked to learn this, ‘These days I am getting calls form some forex-somebody and niagra-somebody who claim to be foreign brands and want me to be their brand ambassador for a newly introduced target audience‘.

Our two favorite guests were quick to jump on the bandwagon and cash in  on the free publicity the issue was getting. ‘This is not the Indian Pink League to bow to their whims and fancies, we shall however market the cheerleaders as pink girls and I shall occasionally wear a pink turban. If Mr.KCR is willing to play ball, we shall brand it a telangana double every time the batsmen run twobrand it a telangana double every time the batsmen run two.‘, thundered a visibly upset Lalit Modi. He thereafter went on a roll to market the IPL with a customized version to suit KCR, ‘The 15min break shall be called the Telangana time-out and KCR can give speeches and use it to promote his cause during home games. I can also ensure that Arun Lal and L.Siva utter the words Telangana randomly in every alternate sentence on-air, since none of what they say makes sense anyways.‘ If promised to ensure the games went incident free, he promised to coax Ravi Shastri to alter his famous cliches like ‘hit like a tracer bullet’ to ’swept like the telangana elections’. Chetan Bhagat wasn’t very amused at  the whole tamasha and was upset that we didn’t approach him first, ‘The whole idea is blatantly lifted form my new book, I am the sole creator of two states and KCR ought to give me credit for the agitation. Heck he isn’t even on twitter so that I can block him, abbey yaar these madarasis na are not cool like us to be on orkut and twitter.I should stop writing in 5th standard english else these people will easily comprehend and market my content as their own‘. He even had a few words for Mr.Tiwari, ‘Saala buddha satiya gaya hain, his whole three women massage scandal is also inspired form my book. They are clearly the three mistakes of his life and who do you think came up with that? I hereby stake claim to anything that has to do with the numbers one, two , three, and five and will block anyone who makes fun of me‘. That’s all we could get, for he was angered to know that we hadn’t read a single 5th-std English  textbook of his.

PS: If you believe in any of the above, you are in fact my new best friend. God promise, grandfather promise, sister-in-law promise.

PPS: This post is also part of BlogAdda’s Spicy Saturday Picks

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ShortKut – The Con is On: There was a neat tamil movie called Vellithirai starring the brilliant Prakash Raj and heartthrob Prithviraj Sukumaran, released in 2008. Bollywood decides to remake it, and just like everyother remake they take away everything that is supposed to work, only to replace them with mind-numbing gags. Despite our fondness for the svelte Amrita Rao, the movie was a groaner and counting the follicles on Akshay Khanna’s receding hairline would have been a lot more engrossing.  Arshad Warsi desperately tries to resuscitate this groaner, but the post-Munnabhai circuit hangover clearly shows. It shows that Bollywood can not only come up with an interesting script, they have issues adapting existing blockbusters.

Victory: Generally there’s not much that can go wrong with movies with a sports theme. They are either underdog stories or inspirational accounts of rags to riches. In either case they ensure an audience connect and box office success. Victory does neither and even a tired looking Amrita Rao fails to evoke any interest. Brett Lee looks like a greek god on screen and may have secured a post-retirement career but you do feel for Stuart Clark who gets cantered for 36 runs in an over by Harman. A small-town boy makes it to the Indian team, only to get sucked up by the glitz, glamour and hide his injury. Dropped following public humiliation, only to return with dedication and bludgeon the likes of Murali et all for 20 runs per over in the world cup. A disappointing movie despite cameos form popular cricketers and a brilliant title sequence, and Harman Baweja makes it to this list two years in a row [Read Review]

Life Partner: Rumi Jaffery made an entry into this list last year with the atrocious ‘God tussi great ho’, and now this! There’s only one funny line in the whole movie and bollywood seems to be setting a record of sorts with contorted climax scenes. Priyadarshan is the only one who can pull of mad climax scenes with tons of actors, and even seems to be losing his flair. Govinda is unconvincing as a chick-magnet in a role tailor made for Salman Khan. Who in the world takes advice on love/marriage from a divorce lawyer who makes a majority of his earning man-whoring for his female clients? Since when did we expect movies with Fardeen Khan to work at the box office? Oh, wait doesn’t this movie also have Tusshar Appam Kapoor as well, ha now you’re wondering why we even watch shit like this!

Kurbaan: Kurbaan, the latest offering in the terrorism genre is another sorry attempt to play to the foreign audiences and milk the sentiments of muslim extremists and justify their acts. The whole movie was canned on the pretext of a money-shot that included a backless beauty and a bullet-ridden chest. Someone got the idea of a great promotional poster, something that has never been tried before and decided toe weave a movie around it. So what happens when you build a movie around an advertising gimmick to get you some eyeballs? A sorry tale of deceit, zombie jihadis, a hot making out scene, weird logic and some pretty ordinary music. Hard to believe that it came from the pen of the person who co-wrote RDB. The tagline suggests that it is a love story, but you hardly see any love, unless you count the making out scene as love. [Read Review]

De dana dan: Having to endure over two hours of Priyadarshan’s latest was pretty tough especially when it has just over 20mins of genuine laughs. A rather drab first half is pretty unbearable for it does nothing to the plot and is horrifyingly slow. The second half has over 30 characters in a hotel with mistaken identities and the ensuing chaos. Flooding an entire hotel might not be the most clever ideas for a big finale. There is also a deluge of actors on screen and you give up counting after a while. In what seems like the royal rumble of characters, there seems to be no clear winner with everyone giving washed up performances. Good performances by Johnny Lever, Paresh Rawal and few others, while the women just wear tight garments, pout and try to look pretty. If not for Katrina bringing back rain songs into fashion, this would have been a total no-show.

Radio: Himesh yet again dons the hat of an actor and chooses to face the camera only to be met with the same fate. In a somewhat interesting plot broken into chapters, the lines and bad acting pull it into the depths of flopistan. Himesh plays Pied Piper in an imaginary universe where pheromones travel through radio waves. There is no other way you can justify the events in a movie where a police commissioner takes in a guy into his family, who asks his daughter to fake being in a relationship. With a new language being invented where words like ‘Fultoo attitude’ and ‘genetic cocktail’ are used to describe the woman you love, there definitely are some problems here. Their idea of resolving problems and fights of all sorts is strangely to break plates. How we wish the plates were not broken on the floor but on Himes’ head instead! [Read Review]

Aa Dekhen Zara: It’s no secret that we love Bipasha basu and her movies are a must watch irrespective of who else is in it. It always doesn’t turn out fine, like this one for example. There have been dozens of movies where the protagonist either has the ability or finds a gadget that enables him/her to look into the future. A camera that reveals pictures of future events is surely an interesting concept, but then a banal plotline makes it a boring ride. Given the premise, handling the events around it becomes critical for future gazing alone will not sell a movie. This is precisely where the movie sinks while mediocre performances and a forgettable soundtrack don’t help either. If only the sultry Ms.Basu made better career choices, we’d not have to sit through duds like these.

Kal kissne dekha: There haven’t been many debuts that have gone worse especially when two star kids are involved. A college geek who can see the future, ends up outwitting a terror outfit, while romancing the college hottie and teaching the snobs a lesson.  People ought to know that there is more to colleges than what you see inK3G and Mohobattein. Snooty girls chewing gum and humiliating small-town boys with a heart of gold doesn’t really happen anywhere. Also if you’ve had a premonition that there’s going to be a terrorist attack, you would normally alert the authorities. Rishi Kapoor reminds you of the essence of a good wig, more so when you can see the original hair peeking from below. Since when did college professors have enough equipment in their labs to build nuclear weapons and bombs that could take out a city? We just love bad debuts and this one tops the list! [Read Review]

Ek – The power of one: For how long are we supposed to see Bobby Deol go out and do the same thing where he sports dark glasses and shoots people. He probably doesn’t even listen to the story forget the script. It must be quite easy to wear the same jaded expression, glasses to hide the droopy eyes from last nights hangover and just go trigger crazy. They only have to paint a few explosions, songs and some characters around him and viola, you have a movie! While the original in Telugu had some great lines, slick camera work and vibrant colors, the Hindi version adopts everything but the good parts. Nana Patekar as a sleazy yet honest cop, who doesn’t even spare servant maids is a huge let down. Shriya is good but you only get to see her for a total of 20 mins. With so many bullets flying around, you only hope one of them hits Bobby in the heart. That is your only hope because the movies groans for over two hours.

PS: We enjoyed bringing this list, while you may not share the same enthusiasm reading it.  We hope to do the same next year and if things go as wished, we may have loads of groaners!

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Main aur Mrs Khanna: Finally we have a movie that is hit by the recession, or atleast the characters were supposed to be hit. So lets see how this begins, you have a happy couple in Australia when suddenly things go bad in economy. So what does the adarsh pati of bollywood do?, well decides to goto Singapore while packing his wifey away to Delhi.  It might still not seem crazy yet, but then he prefers to tell her only at the airport when their flights departs minutes from each other! She chooses to stay back in Australia, and then enters stage 6 our real hero! You are now treated to two hours of Sohail khan trying to woo a married woman. Yes the poster unfortunately doesn’t tell you that, nor do the promos. Salaman khan once again returns in the climax to create some dharam sankat in this extended guest role. BappiDa as a store owner is the only saving grace in his special appearance. If only the producers were hit by the recession, this movie would have never been made!

London Dreams: It’s hard to keep a straight face when someone tells you that Ajay Devgan and Salman Khan play rockstars in a movie. Actually it is impossible to say that and then not have people in splits. You therefor have a movie that ought to have been made 10 years ago, for the theme of a friend envying another’s talent and fame is done to death and so passe. Add to this Ajay Devgan inflicting torture upon himself, for thinking about a woman and getting distracted from his dream! This self-flagellation may seem to remind you of the opus dei, But that atleast was a bunch of fanatics. Salman Khan yet again sleep walks in the village bumpkin with a heart as pure as glacier water, who put friendship ahead of sarson ka saag. To top it all up their biggest sin was to cast Asin as a traditional south indian girl, who’s idea of freedom is to prance on stage behind the singers.

Agyaat: RGV the eccentric genius never ceases to amaze, at times with brilliant pieces and the rest with duds like this. We guess he was on a picnic as a child when he was spooked by the forest when he went to pee. Guess what happened when he returned to the forest 25yrs later to find his lost corriander chutney sandwich, someone was again spooked by the rustling bushes! Bang, that’s when he decides to put a few discards, a failed hero from teh south and a one-time muse in the same forest and a moving camera behind them. Once you’ve had enough shots of the posterior of a particular someone under a waterfall, you then go on thinking of ways to kill people.  If people ramming their necks into trees or falling onto rocks wasn’t cool enough,  RGV even introduces a non-terrestrial intelligent predator to finish off people. However since it is a low-budget flick, we don’t have enough funds for the special effects and so we film the killing scenes form the eyes of our killer! Just when you think the numb feeling in your head is going to end, they hit you with a ‘Part 2 coming soon’ message just when you expect to uncover the identity of our killer!

Whats Your Rashee?: We have been a fan of both the previous Ashutosh Gowariker movies until this one. Infact they rank really high on our scale with high 8’s out of 10, and hence following the balance of averages that hits Tendulkar every alternate series, we have an abysmal low here. It’s not like that we hate Harman Baweja or make it our mission to diss every movie he is in. It is however hard not to go bonkers over his choice of scripts, given the dearth of talent on our hands. He makes the fact evident, that looks and a good pair of feet ain’t good enough to see you through a movie. The premise isn’t quite bad with a boy choosing from twelve girls, each belonging to a different zodiac sign. Though slightly chauvinistic, it still holds some promise if properly executed. That is when you are subjected to close to four hours of what feels like someone lulling you to sleep with a sledgehammer. There is however no excuse for Priyanka Chopra, the dame makes the same mistake twelve times over!

Chandni Chowk To China: What can you probably say about Nikhil Advani without being visceral? Poor treatment of a wafer thin plot lands Nikhil Advani with yet another dud, this time for the Sippys. The movie is neither simple and carry a message like Kung Fu Panda, not is it funny like a martial arts spoof like the cult Kung Fu Hustle. Instead what you get is a bland concotion of twins separated by birth, lord ganesha appearing as a potato and people in China speaking Hindi. The effervescent Akshay Kumar nor the stunning Deepika Padukone can save this mad caper. Shot in some stunning locales like the great wall of China, CC2C falls flat for being slapstick and boring. Oh it also carries probably the most cringe worthy dialogue of the year, when Akshay learns the iron forearm technique. All body parts iron except one, oh mere iron man! Yes you can never watch the Robert Downey Jr. version ever again!

Jail: Ever wondered what we would do without Madhur Bhandarkar holding a mirror to society? Imagine how horrible a place the world would be if not for him and his thought provoking and award winning movies. Okay who are we trying to kid here, we just hate him to our guts and every piece of horse crap he makes under the pretext of meaningful cinema! First it was bar girls, then office sluts, then the sleaze in the ramp and now finally prison bars. This is how he goes about making his films, he first picks an area worth exploiting. Then he makes a list of every possible cliche he could think of and then extrapolates them beyond levels where even Ekta Kapoor would not dare to go. So you have illegal drug possession,  hostile living conditions, worm infested food, nude humiliation, self pleasuring and if that wasn’t gross enough you have two men going at each other form the rear. With these beautiful images in your mind it is very hard to get a sound sleep fro a couple of nights, but it soon wears of with the promise that Mr.Bhandarkar will be back again next year!

Blue: It’s not often that you have a movie sink without trace despite boasting of a soundtrack composed by A.R.Rahman. Infact we feel really bad for the movie, especially given the fact that it could have been a lot more better. How else do you connect bikers in hongkong/singapore, a has-been Australian popstar, and a yacht in the Caribbean? Now it may seem thaaaat we are going a little cuckoo, but then that is just the tip of the iceberg. Shot in superb locales, breath taking underwater photography, fantastic title sequence and plenty of style to go with the A-class names. Well the only thing missing was a couple of sharks doing chiggy-wiggy with each other underwater and a PLOT! They spent so much on the music, locales, costumes, stars and everything that they forgot that a movie needs a story. Sad Sad Sad!

Kambakkht Ishq: It baffles me why one would remake an average Tamil grosser into Hindi. A straight rip-off would have probably fared better,but then how could bollywood be happy with just that? So to exhibit the weight of our purse-strings, we bring in one-time hollywood wonders, and a couple of forgotten stars. Topping that would be shooting scenes at the universal studios guided tour and weave a story around a stuntman and a aspiring doctor. Well it doesn’t seem weird yet, that is because a doctor is bland and no glamorous, so they just write in the part where she moonlights as a lingerie supermodel! Lets just pepper this with tags of man-hater and woman-hater as the two most brilliant character sketches of the year. The cherry on the icing ends up being a weird watch that chimes a wedding mantra and forgetting it in the stomach of a patient. You can reach for the dispirin on the kitchen table as you read this but for the ones watching, No mangalam whatsoever! [Read Review]

Do Knot Disturb: If David Dhawan were to re-release his gems from the nineties, I’m sure they’d still take a better opening that this load of crap. Who in the world would leave a wife that looks like Sushmita Sen for another, even if that means Lara Dutta! Mistaken identities are definitely funny, but when you are repeatedly hit on the head till you laugh, isn’t quite pleasant. It is getting exceedingly difficult to watch Rajpal Yadav do the same thing again and again till the point he gets beat up like a church bell. The less we speak about the cast, the better it probably is for we have a long list to cover. With a hackneyed plot and forced laughs Do Knot Disturb is tied in its own knots. It hurts when comedies fail to make you laugh even artificially, and we’re lucky that we didn’t have to pay to watch this one!

Dil Bole Hadippa: It is a fact that we love sport-based movies where the underdog team triumphs against all odds. We don’t hate Rani Mukherjee despite her dinosaur voice, nor do we have a personal agenda against the YashRaj banner. Rani Mukherjee and Shahid Kapur come together for the second cricket-based film of the year and it is pretty disastrous as well. In what was supposed to be a remake/inspired version of ‘She’s the man‘, Rani Mukherjee makes it to a local cricket team disguised as a boy/bhajji impersonator. Not quite a problem, but then she romances the team captain at night while trying to fend off a sultry Sherlyn Chopra. However when you tell us that the last batting pair scores 165 runs in under 10 overs, it get a bit too hard to believe. That’s not all the unbelievable shit that goes on, and you have to watch it to even believe it! [Read Review]

PS: Owing to the length of this post, we’re splitting it into two parts. The mayhem continues in Part-2.

(Images courtesy: glamsham.com)

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